(The Kremlin, Russian Federation) An embarrassed Vladimir Putin today apologized for not immediately recognizing the name of Paul Gosar after being informed that the United States Representative (R-Arizona) had done a great job playing down his invasion of Ukraine and criticizing President Biden for opposing it.
“Please extend my sincere gratitude to Paul – and the lovely Marjorie Taylor Greene – for all they have done to assist my cause recently.”
Putin said he meant no offence, but admitted it’s difficult staying fully apprised of the bounty of assets he’s running in the GOP and the American right-wing media.
“Obviously I know the names of my longstanding assets like Tucker, Sean, Laura, Lauren, Matt, Keith, Moscow ‘Mitch’, and of course my good friend Donald and fam. But there are so many more of you now it’s hard to keep track!”
The Russian authoritarian confessed he initially had concerns that Republicans might be repulsed by his actions and present a united front with the Biden administration and the EU against him. Now that it’s clear they are doing the opposite, Putin sincerely apologized for ever doubting them.
“I am touched by how all my Russian assets in the GOP are standing by me even after I launched my unnecessary war of aggression against Ukraine. Most people shy away from me at a time like this, but you guys double down on our friendship. Spasibo!”