Vladimir Putin today declared that his COVID-19 vaccine – which gained the approval of authorities in record time – has no bad side effects, though he emphasized that the same cannot be said of questioning the safety of his vaccine.
“The vaccine itself is completely safe. But questioning the safety of my vaccine is associated with a host of dangerous side effects, including death.”
Putin said the side effects include feelings of nausea, headaches, falling off tall buildings, nerve agent toxicity, and severe radiation poisoning.
“Those are ones we know of at this time, but it’s entirely possible I could discover some even more terrifying ones in the future.”
He is particularly concerned for one of his leading medical experts, who recently quit in protest at how rushed and unethical the Russian vaccine development process was.
“He has been exposed to a very high dose of questioning my vaccine’s safety, and therefore runs a severe risk of a medically bad outcome – probably tomorrow around lunchtime.”
HELP KEEP THE SATIRE COMING!