A new report issued by the National Toxicology Program says that exposure to high levels of cell phone radiation can cause cancer in rats.

Acting CDC Director Anne Schuchat says she hope the findings will finally lead to a change in how they behave.

“If you see a rat using a cell phone without putting it on speaker, tell them to stop.”

Schuchat is far from optimistic, however, as study after study keeps finding that rats engage in risky lifestyles that result in bad outcomes.

“These damn rats keep doing things that give them horrific cancers. You think they’d learn, but no.”

On the other hand, some scientists blame the CDC for not doing enough outreach to the rodent community.

“More education is clearly needed.”

It is then that Schuchat receives word of yet another published study about the poor choices rats make.

“It turns out the little bastards turn to heavy opiate use at the first sign of stress. Why am I not surprised?”