Tears flowed in the White House today as aide Rob Porter left for the last time after tendering his resignation over allegations of spousal abuse.

Wishing him well, Chief of Staff John Kelly invited Porter to sock it to Ivanka and Sarah Huckabee Sanders as a going away present.

“We know you young ‘uns don’t wear watches anymore.”

President Trump said he hated to lose a such good guy this way, as he patted his watery eyes with a handkerchief.

“If you every change your mind, know you always have a home here as long as I do.”

Cheerful to the end, Porter made swift work of blackening the eyes of the President’s daughter and his Press Secretary, as well as Jared Kushner, whom he mistook for a woman with a bob haircut.

“I would never have done it if I’d known, bro. Next time beers are on me”