Schism Erupts In Pastafarian Church Over Acceptability Of Plastic Colanders

Plastic colanders like this are considered sacrilegious by orthodox Pastafarians.

The little-known religion of Pastafarianism became a little less little known this week when a Massachusetts woman won the right to have her drivers license photo taken whilst wearing a colander atop her head – an important tenet of the faith.

The extra attention has brought a simmering dispute within the Church to the fore, namely what types of colander constitute acceptable religious attire. Progressives argue that any recognizable colander is acceptable, be it made of metal, plastic, or even collapsible silicone. The orthodox wing has a simple response to any pasta straining device that isn’t a dual-handled wide-holed metal colander.

“Anathema!”

While there have been no physical clashes yet, some reddit threads reportedly ‘got quite nasty’, with older traditionalist Pastafarians proving to be especially vitriolic – though they were often taunted by liberal church members who would post selfies wearing their non-metallic brightly colored pasta strainers.

“Death to the plastic-colander-wearing heathens! They will not get to enjoy the afterlife.”

An ultra-liberal wing has even emerged, which openly welcomes extremists who think collapsable silicone colanders are okay. While many moderate Pastafarians despaired for the deepening splits in their congregation, some can find a bright side even as factions emerge that view each other with an uncompromising hatred.

“Our maturation into a real religion is complete.”

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43 Comments on "Schism Erupts In Pastafarian Church Over Acceptability Of Plastic Colanders"

  1. Obviously, the author knows nothing about Pastafarianism. Orthodox Pastafarians believe that ONLY full Pirate gear is acceptable. ALL colandarites are heathens.

  2. As an outsider, I am puzzled – isn’t it fairly obvious that anything that allows water to drain away must be holey?

  3. Forgive me for I have sinned. In order to spare myself the religious rite of washing the colander, I simply use the pot’s lid. At times this results in a noodly appendage being subjected to temporary extension towards the drain and as long as I am confessing, I must confess that on occasion, a noodly appendage has been lost to the power of gravity sucking it towards the drain. I commit to washing at least the sink so that the appendage can always be reunited in the future, but I live in an Airstream and so minimalism requires my religious observance be compromised by being colander deficient.

  4. And here I thought the only serious issue we faced was whether the rotini should be left-curled or right-curled.

    Aww, hell. We’re all screwed.

  5. I’m new to this whole pastafarian thing. Is there a place for natural organic drainage using the gravity that Lord Newton invented?

    • Of course! See NadiSher’s comment above; also Kel3001’s with the only sensible requirement, that one’s colander be “full of love for all good people and pasta”. For wearing, choice of tricorn/pirate garb or a colander made of material and design suitable for the occasion.

  6. Andy Dingley | March 19, 2016 at 7:04 pm | Reply

    As a Pestocostalist, I believe that it is not the strainer that is sacred, but the Act of Straining. The strainer itself is merely an icon, a reminder of how the FSM boiled for our sins.

    Question not another Pastafarian’s choice of strainer, for all are blessed equally by the touch of His Noodly Appendage.
    Carbo Diem

  7. Neill Peterson | March 18, 2016 at 8:10 am | Reply

    42

  8. Infidel plastic collanders wearing blasphemers will be punished in the afterlife with one skinny skanky ho whilst the righteous shall receive 39 metal collander wearing virgins. You’ll see who’s right when you die you pinko, commie, plastic wearing fuckers.

  9. Thou are ALL heathens, with your steel and plastic and silicone and plates placed over pots! Only brushed nickel is acceptable for a colander! All others are anathema to glory of HNA. Oh ye who go about, one unto another, wearing that not made of brushed nickel, dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the sacred meatballs? Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground in the garbage disposal. Shall the angry FSM cast thy body into the sink? Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp fork! Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander with noodles and no sauce and unto the land of the pizza-eaters shalt thou be sent at last. Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning!

    • DaveFromCanada | March 18, 2016 at 8:30 am | Reply

      I’m quite confident it’s impossible for the great FSM to be angry where he is made of Pasta! Using our great noodled father to threaten those that would try to honor his name seems wrong to me somehow. I shall partake of the heavenly brew, consume copious amounts of Pasta, take a great nap and probably forget what we were arguing about. Anyone for pirate beer and strippers !?

  10. The First Pastafarian Church of Norman, OK ACCEPTS ALL COLANDERS!

    https://www.facebook.com/FirstPastafarian/

  11. Pastafarian DaveFromCanada | March 17, 2016 at 7:25 pm | Reply

    Plastic bags and dirty T-Shirts …
    I am confident that if all I had was my dirty t-shirt to make pasta my heavenly noodly father would be understanding for the beer would really be the saving grace.
    As long as you are trying….

    R’Amen

  12. Discombobulated Pat | March 17, 2016 at 5:44 pm | Reply

    Well, believing that pastafarianism is non-demoninational and all-inclusisve, I would think that a plastic collander would be fine for straining your pasta. With that said, I, myself use a collapsable silicone strainer only as a space saving procedure.
    However, metallic collanders are the only way to go in that they have the dual purpose of signifying your religious status when having your drivers liscense picture taken as well as protecting you from both governmental prying and warding off evil spirits and aliens.

  13. Pancho, you nailed it!

  14. Nonsense. It’s valid in my humble opinion. New materials, same faith. Are we going there? Fundamentalism? Bigotry? In the FSM church? What about the I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts? How about numbers 1 to 3? Shame on you! If you continue like this, you’ll never get to the stripper factory and the beer volcano. Pasta lovers unite!

  15. We of the somewhat Unorthodox PastaMaMa sect believe: yes, full pirate regalia is essential for the Priesthood but lay members can get a special dispensation not to have a peg or wooden leg.
    However, if said dispensation is given, then one must adhere to the metal strainer orthodoxy.
    I mean, after all you can’t have two good legs and a colorful plastic strainer.. That just stretches credulity. RAmen

  16. I am puzzled about this whole strainer controversy. The only proper religious garb for a Pastafarian is full pirate regalia.

  17. FSM cares not if your colander is plastic, metal, enamel or a even a sieve. As long as your strainer is full of love for all good people and pasta you are in accordance with his/her noodly wishes.

  18. Everyone knows that you cannot put a metal colander into a microwave oven.

  19. I LOVED and thoroughly enjoyed reading the article and the comments!!! Please … keep it up!!!

  20. LOL to all the above comments. Way to go; needle religion to death with humor!

  21. It’s very frustrating. My wife has a collapsible colander she is very fond of and I am growing increasingly worried she may opt for that merely out of convenience. In addition my cousin seems to prefer a sieve instead. The world is changing so rapidly it is hard to keep up. I may soon have to take sides between Orthodox, Progressive or New Age. I worry this may tear our family apart.

  22. Plastic is a slippery slope that will lead to pasta being strained through plastic bags and dirty t-shirts.

  23. I thought the strainer was merely a device to make pasta, used as a sign to remind us of his noodly holiness

  24. I think the author is attempting to sow division amongst us Pastafarians. Anyone, who has been touched by His noodly appendages knows that the FSM requires metal or plastic or not at all. Ehh, he does not really care. Just don’t be a dick. R’Amen.

  25. Are enameled metal colanders acceptable? I have a lovely one that has pictures of flowers, fruits and vegetables enameled on the sides. It is still metal.

  26. Plastic colanders are a clear sign of the end times. Repent now Pastafarians In Name Only before it is too late!

  27. In fact both metal and plastic colanders are haram. Only strainers made from reeds or clay are kosher. Repent now or you will be apasta-ate.

  28. I’m IPU (Reformed) myself, but I can hope that those of my Pastafarian friends who take different doctrinal positions can work it out amicably, and agree to differ in some minor issues, while retaining the same essential basic doctrine.

    Just as we of the Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (may her Holy Hooves never be shod) all agree that Ham and Pineapple pizza is good, though those in the reformed Church are not averse to Pepperoni and Mushroom too, seeing neither as superior to the other. A far greater difference than composition of colanders.

  29. This whole debate is just so last millennium. The correct attire is simply just a nice fork, worn as a pendant. Thanks be to the FSM and Johnny Spaghetti (BbHm).
    http://www.holymeatball.org

  30. I am from the Liberal wing of the Church and I think metal head Pastafarians are going the way of the dinosaurs. fie be upon you all. Ramen

  31. OMG…No way! Metal colanders only. Kill anyone wearing a plastic colander…because the FSM is deserving of only the finest straining device!

    Ramen!

  32. That must be the red Starbucks strainer, which explains their hidden agenda after all.

  33. The afterlife has a beer volano, a stripper factory, and wall around it that is too high to see the strippers and low enough to see the volcano. Hell is having to be outside the wall. RAmen.

  34. The author of the article obviously knows little to nothing about Pastafarianism. Everyone knows that in heaven there is a stripper factory and a beer volcano!

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