[Princeton, NJ] A team of concerned scientists – comprising leading computer modellers, informatics experts, and neuroscientists from around the globe – has issued a dire warning that our modern informational infrastructure is likely to be overrun in the near future with disasterous consequences.
“Just as computing power has grown rapidly over the past few decades in accordance with Moore’s law, so too has information storage capacity. However these growth rates are dwarfed by the enormous data generation capabilities of the Kardashian Family and related entities such as Kanye West and Caitlyn Jenner.”
By studying current rates of the production and consumption of Kardashian-oriented trivia and feeding these into powerful computer algorithms, their predictive models suggest that the output of Kardashian data will continually to grow exponentially, until it dominates all forms of information transfer and storage.
“Let’s say the current available bandwidth of trans-continental undersea cables that is devoted to Kardashian minutiae is a conservative 5%. As it increases geometrically, that quickly becomes 10%, then 20%, then 40%, then 80% after which we need to lay more cables. Eventually the requirements for new cables outstrips the availability of raw materials to produce them at which point all long distance data communications will be about Kardashians and nothing else.”
They say it’s critical other research groups try to replicate and confirm their findings right now, as they suspect such numerically intense computations will soon become unfeasible as more and more processing power is devoted to Kendall Jenner. Even more frightening are the implications for organic information storage.
“When Kim Kardashian first started to hog human memory it didn’t really have any noticeable effect as she was simply overwriting areas that were previously devoted to Paris Hilton. However she is now gradually squeezing out other more important parts of our collective knowledge base.”
Unlike computers, the human brain evolves very slowly and is therefore even more poorly equipped to cope with the ever increasing burden of useless Kardashian knowledge while still maintaining higher cognitive functions. As our brains have a finite capacity for storing information, this means highly valued information, such as how to build modern jetliners, will eventually be lost for good.
“The endpoint is similar to Alzheimer’s disease – you lose more and more critical memory and the use of your higher faculties, though not in this case through the destruction of brain tissue by amyloid plaques, but because it’s being exclusively co-opted for Kardashian-related ends.”
One thing the scientists agree on is that it is already too late to avoid the impending Kardashian information singularity, but they have come up with a tentative plan to preserve a core level of knowledge necessary to maintain some form of advanced civilization.
“Since we are ultimately doomed to know nothing other than what the Kardashians are up to, the only solution at this point is for them to become working experts in all the areas that are essential to our continued development, such as medicine, advanced micro-electronics, basic science and civil engineering.”
When asked what is the likelihood of this plan being successful, they try their best to sound optimistic.
“Not all that great.”