(The White House) Stuck having to face the assembled Press Corps yet again, Presidential spokesman Sean Spicer took a brief moment first to ponder the question of what awful deeds previous incarnations of his person must have committed in order for him to be subjected to the cruel fate that is being Sean Spicer.

As he prepared to regurgitate yet another series of bald-faced lies that were self-evidently 100% wrong to everyone in the room including himself, Spicer thought briefly back to that little boy in Barrington, Rhode Island, who dreamed of one day being a spokesman for a proper President.

Spicer then let his mind gently drift into a consideration of what unspeakable evils previous Sean Spicers must have perpetuated for him to find himself representing this orange-haired madman to the world instead.

“I was probably a serial killer of kids in the 1920s. Or Hitler.”

He then steeled himself to project his trademark angry defensive demeanor in a grand pretense that there was the merest sliver of integrity to this Presidency worth defending.

“If I had any self-respect left I’d kill myself right now.”

With the sweet deliverance of an early death denied him, Spicer promptly took the podium.