Rumors that the Secret Service will no longer be providing Kellyanne Conway with protection were proved to be unfounded today, after the agency clarified the matter in a rare public statrment.

“This is not true. We are simple providing her with ‘Alternative Protection’ instead.”

The agency says this in no way means that they are leaving Conway defenseless.

“Ms. Conway’s protection will be just a real as the pain that the survivors of Bowling Green contend with every day.”

One advantage of alternative protection, they say, is that it is very low key and far less distracting for the protectee.

“She won’t even know that we are there.”

It is also considerably less expensive than standard protection, thus helping the agency’s bottom line.

“Like 100% less expensive, which is a win-win.”

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