The American people had some cause for celebration today with news that Senate Intelligence Committee chair Richard Burr – who sold off large stock holdings before the crash while assuring the public everything was under control – will be dunked in a vat of pure isolated coronavirus.

Following the acute exposure he is not to be afforded any special medical assistance or ventilator equipment as he himself said it’s really not something to worry about too much before giving dire predictions to a private gathering of his wealthy friends.

“Hopefully this gives everybody something to enjoy to take their minds off all the bad news.

The move has been signed off on by President Trump, who said of Burr’s actions that ‘even by my standards that’s low, and that’s saying something!’

The public will be invited to attend but, given the reality of the pandemic and the requirement for social distancing, the anticipated demand cannot be accommodated so a lottery system will be used. Those who fail to secure tickets can still watch the dunking and painful demise of the senator live on CSPAN.

“We expect a record audience.”

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