A stunning exposé by a team of investigative journalists has revealed that millions of children – some so young they have just learned to speak – are being taught in the United States using a book described as ‘completely inappropriate’ and ‘replete with sex and extreme violence’. The authors of the shocking report say they reviewed the offending text in its entirety and admitted even they found it hard to stomach at times.

“I like to think of myself as an open-minded adult – but when I came to the parts about masturbation, incest, and brutal summary executions I needed a drink.”

Nor did they find that the teaching of this highly unsuitable book to young children was limited to a few isolated cases.

“It’s literally being used to corrupt impressionable kids’ minds in homes, clubs, and private schools all across the nation.”

Beyond the salacious content, critics of the book say it’s poorly written in many cases, does not appear to have a coherent message from one section to the next, and issues strange edicts that are likely to confuse children who have enough to deal with.

“For instance, it says not to wear clothing made out of more than one fabric. What if a child’s jacket is made of cotton but has a polyester lining? Are they supposed to throw it away despite it being bought for them by their parents? This kind of mixed messaging can be very distressing for children.”

Innocuously called ‘The Bible’, the scandalous text is thankfully not very prevalent in the Public School system which is one positive the investigation found.

“Sadly, though, it appears to be in many other places children can get access to it. If you own a copy please remember to keep it locked away in a safe. For the sake of the children.”