Starbucks To Adopt Christianity As Its Official Religion

Adapted from "COMMUNION WAFER P28" by York Minster & "Barcelona" by Andy Mitchell (Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0).

After seeing how much it matters to some highly vocal people, Starbucks has decided to do the Christian thing by accommodating the needs of a handful of Christians. Not only are they going to put the little baby Jesus on their cups – they are going the extra mile to show they are sensitive to the needs of busy Christians by offering free mass at all of their locations.

“Not even Chick-fil-A or Hobby Lobby do that for their customers.”

The development is good news for priests and pastors who are struggling to make ends meet, as they are now first in line to be hired as chief baristas since they fulfill the requirement to be able to give communion.

“Rabbis and Imans are of course still welcome to apply for our regular positions – but they won’t enjoy the special stipend reserved for clergy of the official Starbucks religion, Christianity.”

When asked if there are plans to service the spiritual needs of adherents of other faiths in the future, Starbucks says that is unlikely.

“The problem is that all the great monotheistic Abrahamic religions each claim theirs is the only true path to God, so you can’t really adopt more than one – and it’s the Christians who started complaining about us first.”

They also reject claims that this encroaches on the rights of nonbelievers to enjoy a secular cup of joe.

“Atheists can simply choose to enjoy the cute picture of a smiling baby boy on their cup for the meaningless image that it is to them.”

The only other noticeable difference is they will need to wait a little longer for their coffee (about 35 minutes) whenever the Liturgy of the Eucharist is being performed because a Christian ahead of them in line ordered the Body of Christ along with their double espresso.

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