[Foxborough, MA] The Steelers are going to New England for the Steelers versus Patriots NFL season opener in the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension being lifted. Though this means they will now have to face the winning quarterback, in a shrewd move the Rooneys did manage to extract a crucial concession up front.

“In a reversal of normal procedure, we’ve secured the right to bring the games balls for the away fixture against the Patriots.”

With ball manipulation effectively declared as being okay by a federal judge, Coach Tomlin is determined to use it to the Steeler’s advantage. Some assume he is planning to overinflate the balls, given Brady’s preference to have them slightly underflated by 2 p.s.i. But Tomlin intends to use a far bolder approach.

“We going to totally deflate the balls using a vacuum pump, turning them into flat wizened prunes.”

Such a ball is completely non-aerodynamic and almost impossible to hold effectively during running plays. This will remove any aspect of skill from the Steelers versus Patriots fixture, effectively turning it into a random contest which either side has an equal chance of winning, something Tomlin is well aware of.

“We’ll take those odds”