Retailers have released the results of research designed to understand how they could motivate shoppers to participate even more strongly in their Black Friday promotions and the answer was clear – provide more opportunities for consumerist violence.

“Doing battle with strangers is a great way to work out the frustrations that arise from having to deal with extended family the day before.”

The in-depth study conducted by the Institute for Unabashed Consumerism (IUC) has revealed that a full 50% of shoppers are not really interested in the details of deals as such, but are instead drawn to the combat-like situations Black Friday offers.

“It was a real rush fighting off the other shoppers to get a bridal dress at 90% off. I’ll probably trash it though as I’m not getting married and couldn’t have used it anyway because of all the blood stains.”

They also discovered a sizable number of people believe you cannot get arrested for assault on Black Friday, because ‘that’s the one day it’s allowed’.

“It’s the ultimate expression of our shared values – a pseudo-holiday with violence and shopping all rolled into one.”

The results came out too late to influence planning for this year’s sales, but next year retailers promise even worse crowd control and that they will move the baseball bat displays nearer to store entrances.

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