The Philadelphia Police today announced plans for the Eagles victory parade, which they say will feature the winning team traveling through downtown on a bus to greet their fans.
“The bus will be of the open-topped variety as is typically used for these events, but, since this is Philly, that’s not so relevant since it will also be upside down.”
Instead the players will stand atop the preemptively overturned bus and wave to the crowds, at least until the flames reach them.
“They’ll just need to carefully balance themselves on the uneven surface of the undercarriage, but we don’t think that will be a problem. These are Super Bowl winning athletes, after all.”
Though the mayhem of game night has calmed down for the moment, authorities are still concerned about a number of animals still missing.
“If you’ve seen any police horses or ostriches wandering near Broad Street exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, please contact us immediately with their location.”