Surprise Witness Gives Powerful Testimony At Postal Service Hearings

As hearings continued on Capitol Hill on the potential partisan sabotage of the United States Postal Service in advance of an election in which mail-in voting is likely to feature heavily, a surprise witness reminded everyone that the integrity of the USPS was of critical importance not just for the upcoming election, but for something even more important.

“I’m taking about the hopes and dreams of our children who are the leaders of tomorrow.”

During the course of an impassioned defense of the USPS, the witness revealed via skype that his global operation would be at a standstill if he could not depend on the post office to get letters and parcels delivered to and from his faraway place of business efficiently.

“Reindeer technology only gets you so far. Believe me” 

Though he said he was far too busy to know all the facts and figures, he confessed what he had heard so far has filled him with alarm.


“After all these years of mostly trouble-free operation the post office suddenly has to be drastically shaken up in an election year during a pandemic? Hmmm…”

He left the hearing with this last piece of wisdom.

“If it looks like doo-doo, smells like doo-doo, and governs like doo-doo, you can bet your piddly Christmas bonus it probably is doo-doo”

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