Ted Cruz Admitted To Hospital For Third-Degree Twitter Burns

(Houston, TX) Medical Professionals at the John S Dunn Burn Center at the Memorial Hermann Medical Center have confirmed the they are treating the junior Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, who was admitted late last night with third-degree twitter burns.

“He was in bad shape so we confiscated his phone and put him in a medical coma so he can’t harm himself any further.”

Cruz is reported to have suffered the devastating burns after plunging headlong into a twitter spat with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over who sciences better and whether Mike Pence is a suitable person to be managing a serious health crisis.

“He’s lucky to have gotten out alive.”

Though they believe they can nurse Cruz back to health, they fear he may suffer even more serious burns in the future.

“His thin skin is naturally predisposed to this type of injury, unfortunately.”

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