Texas Seniors Burn Lt. Gov. Patrick Alive To Appease Coronavirus Gods

Tributes are being paid to Lieutenant Governor of Texas Dan Patrick today after he was burned alive last night inside a giant wooden structure in an act of pagan sacrifice.

“It’s what he would have wanted.”

The fatal ritual occurred after a large crowd of seniors appeared at Patrick’s residence and abducted him. Despite reports he resisted, the seniors responsible insist he was in favor of it.

“He said he was willing to sacrifice his life to save the extravagant lifestyle of some billionaire hedge fund managers. Us not so much.”

Asked whether they really believed human sacrifice could avert major disasters by appealing to some higher pagan power, the elderly Texans involved were skeptical.

“Nah, we just felt like burning him.”

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13 Comments on "Texas Seniors Burn Lt. Gov. Patrick Alive To Appease Coronavirus Gods"

  1. Now this is God’s work…..Jesus would approve too lol

  2. We need a bigger sacrefice.

  3. I’m all for the preference that he “act as a role model and self sacrifice.” Oh la la! You guys are hysterical.

  4. Sandergilman | March 25, 2020 at 1:49 pm | Reply

    Show me his dnr and I’ll believe him

  5. LOVE your post!

  6. Texas seniors are sharpening the pitchforks, after he offered us up for stock dividends. Not very “Pro Life” of him. We appreciate your post!

  7. We Texas seniors are sharpening the pitchforks, after he offered us up for stock dividends. Not very “Pro Life” of him. We appreciate your post!

  8. Leonor Torralba | March 24, 2020 at 9:35 pm | Reply

    Despicable man!

  9. Judy Bankhead | March 24, 2020 at 6:16 pm | Reply

    I will sacrifice my life when he does his and takes big business with him.

  10. Jon Steelhammer | March 24, 2020 at 5:55 pm | Reply

    He should resign and take whatever job was offered to him years ago for screwing over normal people and stroking the hardened play rod of corporate America. Then he should be torn from that job and and go to the next burning man festival.

  11. Old Man Winter | March 24, 2020 at 5:53 pm | Reply

    Burn baby burn

  12. We Texas seniors have not actually burned Dan Patrick yet, but the sentiment is spot on. I’d prefer that Dan act as a role model and self sacrifice.

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