‘The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Me’ Says President In Lauded Speech

With tensions high, President Trump, as befits his office, took time today to fill the American people in on the challenges before them. Channeling the words of FDR, but tailoring them to fit contemporary times, Trump delivered the line that will go down in history:

“The only thing we have to fear… is me.”

Politicians of all stripes heralded the President for his astute grasp of the dominant threat facing the United States as he continued in fine form:

“We have the greatest democracy in the world, it’s most powerful army, and it’s most lethal arsenal. None other can touch us. The only threat would be if our own fine institutions and military were put in the hands of an unstable short-tempered amateur. As I stand before you here today I can honestly say, they have.”

In addition to the stirring rhetoric and sweeping insights, President Trump even managed to fit in a detailed breakdown of some of the specific situations that most threaten our way of life.

“My fellow Americans, though I trust we will prevail, I will not hide you from those scenarios that could lead us to harm. We must watch out for an SNL skit that goes too far, a comment about small hands before I’ve eaten to bring my blood sugar up, or Rosie O’ Donnell at any time, as each of these could trigger Armageddon.”

Though it is still early days in his term, Presidential historians are saying this speech will surely go down as one of the great orations by a Commander-in-Chief.

“Not since Lincoln has a President been so in tune with what threatens our great Republic.

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