Tobacco Industry Files For Bankruptcy After Keith Richards Quits Smoking

Image credit: Keith Richards by Jerzy Bednarski via Commons license CC BY-SA 4.0.

In bad news for stockholders of tobacco companies, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has reportedly given up smoking leading to widespread panic in the industry.

“Please tell us he’s taken up vaping at least.”

News that Richards had puffed on his last fag caused an immediate collapse in the stock prices of tobacco firms which were virtually worthless by the time trading was halted. The states of North Carolina, Kentucky, and Virgina have all declared emergencies.

“He could have given us some warning.”

It is not the first industry that has collapsed after Richards gave something up, however, according to officials at the DEA.

“Mister Richards single-handedly brought a number of drug cartels down in the 70s and 80s.”

Fortunately for the beverage industry, Richards said that he still enjoys the occasional glass of wine or pint of Guinness.

“AB InBev has dodged a bullet today”

19 Comments on "Tobacco Industry Files For Bankruptcy After Keith Richards Quits Smoking"

  1. Breaking news….
    RJR Nabisco and Phillip Morris have joined forces to offer Keith Richards 10% of their stock if he takes up smoking again. Their spokesperson stated “We know it’s a desperate move, but desperate times call for desperate measures!” Mr Richard’s was not available for comment. Stay tuned for further developments as they happen.

  2. Running a little short of sense of humor are we?

  3. Who cares? No really who. He’s the only person to quit smoking ever? oh thats right hes famous. Again who freaking cares….

  4. IS THIS TRUE OR A BUCH OF GARBAGE

  5. We, the consumers always have to pick up the slack. Maybe this is why the ticket prices are $900/seat on the floor. We’ve gotta pay for all the Stone’s habits.

  6. I quit no one gave a crap. I sure did not make the news. I know I am not famous with money.

  7. I am sure that Keith will start again he just loves the Marlboro Rasping sound booming out its unique. I too have a Marlboro Rasping voice they are Unique, Drew

  8. Ronnie quit in 2016 Kids..

  9. More should stop smoking not just for their health but also the cost.

  10. Ron Wood should follow Keith Richard’s example – really bring down the tobacco industry

  11. Don’t worry! Ron Wood will keep the industry going .

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.




Like us on Facebook!