President Trump has finally weighed in on allegations that he sexually assaulted a well-known advice columnist with a definitive declaration that it could not have been him.

“I only molest brunettes.”

He encouraged those charged with any investigation to follow up on the hair color of people he has molested, and reminded everyone that, though Stormy Daniels is a blond, they had a fiduciary arrangement so it doesn’t count.

” Clearly I deserve an apology.”

As for any allegations that he violated redheads, Trump said that was entirely insignificant as they were a minority and their opinion didn’t count.

“This nation was not built on gingers.”

Trump concluded by saying he could get a Supreme Court Justice to vouch for him, and references don’t come any better than that.

“Just ask for the one who likes beer.”