Faced with inescapable evidence that more people watched Joe Biden accept his party’s nomination, President Trump nevertheless today claimed victory in the number of new Coronavirus infections his speech inspired.

“We left Sleepy Joe back in the dust, folks. So far back.”

While Biden beat Trump by millions in the viewership ratings, analysts had to concede that Trump pulled off a solid super-spreader win of his own on the night.

“Biden never really stood a chance.”

While preliminary estimates suggest strong numbers for Trump, it’s not even clear if Biden put up anything on the board, let alone be in any way competitive.

“He didn’t even pack a large unmasked audience tightly together on a lawn, fool that he is!”