President Trump has declared that a state of war exists between the United States and Iran, after being presented with ‘ironclad evidence’ by John Bolton that the Islamic Republic is behind IT problems and long checkout lines at Targets across the nation.

“This has all the hallmarks of an attack by Iran, right down to frogmen attaching mines to cash registers.”

Iran had previously been accused of attacking oil tankers in the Persian Gulf, however attacking the world’s oil supply was not deemed serious enough to go to war over.

“But attacking Target is a different story.”

Suburban Target shoppers – who normally vote Democrat – are fully behind the President in this instance.

“When you attack Target, you attack our very way of life.”

Iran has protested its innocence, saying there is an obvious suspect that Trump wants to ignore.

“Here’s a hint – it’s where are his supporters shop.”