President Trump is defending himself against criticisms of his recent comments that FEMA and the military won’t be in Puerto Rico forever, saying that does not mean aid will cease once they leave.

“I have directed them to develop a huge cannon capable of firing paper towels into Puerto Rico from Florida.”

The President has even donated the 18th green on his golf course at Mar-a-Lago to be the side of the massive artillery gun, as he maintains only playing 17 holes is a sacrifice he is willing to make every weekend.

“My visit to see the devastation for myself taught me a very clear lesson – that nothing is more important than bombarding these poor people with cylindrical paper products.”

Since it is aerodynamically impossible to project something as light as a paper towel very far, they will be encased in weighted metal shells for ballast.

“Remember to always look up when you are outside, or just stay in your home if you still have one.”