As FEMA prepared to ship masses of paper towels to the areas where Hurricane Florence is predicted to land, President Trump today promised his administration will do the utmost to help those affected.
“You will receive the best paper towels. Only the best. That means Bounty, folks, Bounty.”
Having already demonstrated how well briefed his is on the situation by declaring that the category 5 hurricane was ‘tremendously big and tremendously wet’, he touted the many benefits of his proposal to tackle the disaster.
“With Bounty you can squeeze out the water and use the paper towel again. Try doing that with a generic brand. Sad!”
To show the depth of his concern, the President says he plans to personally visit the affected areas once the storm has passed, and any remaining sharks have been disposed of, to personally throw cylinders of processed tree pulp at those most affected.
“Sadly, we may lose some golf courses. But we will rebuild those golf courses and carry on like the resolute Americans that we are.”