Trump Reassures Anxious Assault Rifles That Everything Will Be Okay

Adopting an uncharacteristic somber tone in light of recent tragedies, President Trump today promised to reach out to all assault rifles in their time of need.

“You are probably feeling very vulnerable right now, but know that I am with you.”

Trump pledged to do everything he can to ensure assault rifles feel protected wherever they are, including public spaces.

“You should feel free to go anywhere you please without concern for your safety, including garlic festivals, nightlife areas, and schools – especially schools!”

He added this was a very personal matter for him, as many of his friends have assault rifles at home that feel threatened by what they see in the press and on social media.

“The lack of sensitivity shown towards these poor instruments of death is disgusting. So wrong!”

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