After confusion over the purpose of killing Iranian General Qasem Soleimani – which has been justified both as a pre-emptive strike and also as punishment for killing Americans – President Trump revealed on Fox News that he had intelligience Soleimani was in possession of a bag of cute puppies he had nefarious plans for.

“He was going to drown those beautiful puppies in the Euphrates River. Wrong. So Wrong!”

This, said Trump in the wide-ranging interview, was the reason he had to act so decisively. The general’s fate was sealed when the President learned of his intentions regarding a cat that was entirely innocent of any wrongdoing.

“We had to act or the cat would have got it. That kitty would have got it bad from General Soleimani. So bad!”

Trump then added a bunch of stuff about torturing frogs and taking candy from young children.