President Trump has said he will be offering the best help you’ve ever seen to the Bahamas, even though he won’t be visiting.
“I have ordered the installation of a huge cannon capable of firing paper towels at the Bahamas from Florida.”
The President has even donated the 18th green on his golf course at Mar-a-Lago to be the side of the massive artillery gun, as he maintains only playing 17 holes is a sacrifice he is willing to make every weekend.
“In a time like this nothing is more important than bombarding these poor people with cylindrical paper products.”
Since it is aerodynamically impossible to project something as light as a paper towel very far, they will be encased in weighted metal shells for ballast.
“Remember to look up when you are outside, or just stay in your home if you still have one.”