Trump To Unveil New Way To Drink Water During State Of The Union Address

Fears that President Trump’s State Of The Union address would only be comprised of his usual pointless bluster were put to rest today with news that he plans to unveil a bold new way for Americans to drink water.

“He guarantees you will never have seen water drunk like this.”

Previous supposedly new ways to drink water unveiled by the President have been criticized as being to derivative of known techniques.

“Every child knows about drinking water with two hands.”

But this new way is promised to be completely original, having been carefully devised by the President himself over the past year.

“If true, that would make this his most meaningful address yet.”

Speculation as to what Trump has come up with varied widely, from hunching over the glass and trying to inhale the water from above without tipping, to something akin to a cat’s lapping. But others said attempting to get into the mind of this President was pointless.

“Whatever it is, nobody will have seen it coming, that’s for sure.”

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