[Ankara, Turkey] Authoritarian Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan is expected to come down harshly on the organizers of the failed coup to depose him. But the ruthless leader is reportedly not satisfied with executing them, as he is worried that they might become secular martyrs to parts of Turkish society opposed to his rule.

“What I need is a fate worse than death.”

The fallout also threatened to disrupt relations between Turkey and the United States, after Erdogan demanded that exiled dissident cleric Fethullah Gülen, who he blames for the coup, be extradited.

But everything changed when he received a report on Gülen’s living conditions, who resides in a small community in the Poconos.

“The rundown 70s resorts, washed-up comedians, and endless streams of budget-minded honeymoon couples – This is the perfect punishment.”

As word spread among the coup plotters that they are to be banished to a gulag in North-Eastern Pennsylvania, many pledged eternal fealty to Erdogan and his neo-Islamist party in return for being spared. But those who didn’t and who haven’t committed suicide yet are destined to receive a one-way plane ticket to Scranton, PA.

“Perhaps then they will learn to regret their treason as they contemplate the heart-shaped tubs and original shag carpeting until the day they die.”