UDA Hardmen Arrive In London To Begin Running United Kingdom

Image credit: adapted from 'Balaclava 3 hole black.jpg' by Tobias "ToMar" Maier via Commons license CC BY-SA 3.0.

(London, UK) With a deal for governance now hammered out between the Tory party and the DUP, the first UDA hardmen have arrived in London to get to work running the United Kingdom on a strength and stability platform.

The first order of business is the negotiation to leave the European Union, with the paramilitaries saying there will be ‘nay going back’ on the tough stance outlined initially by damaged Prime Minister Theresa May.

“It’ll be the hardest BREXIT ye have ever seen, aye.”

They say they are well-positioned to drive a tough bargain with Europe, which will be achieved through a dual-pronged strategy of tough negotiating and shooting a few Brussels technocrats in supermarket parking lots.

“They’ll see sense soon enough, believe you me.”

Surprisingly, they are giving up on their staunchly loyalist position of keeping Northern Ireland British, a goal which is believed to have been dwarfed by their ambitions for the UK mainland they now control.

“Norn Iron’s fockin’ shite compared tay London. Jarry an’ his gang air welcome tay it noy as far as we’re concerned.”

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