Following the release of a report warning the world’s governments that they had only 10 years to reverse course before a sequence of cataclysmic events would occur, the United Nations today released an updated report titled “Fine, Destroy The Planet, We Don’t care, Whatever”. Rather than specify emissions reduction targets, the latest report focuses on the positives of doing nothing, including who will benefit.

“Cockroaches and tardigrades are going to love it.”

Insisting that they ‘couldn’t give a rat’s arsehole’ about the fate of planet Earth, the scientists behind the report were adamant that they just want to party and get high during the time they have left.

“Can’t believe we were ever into that boring crap concerned with the ongoing survival of our species.”

Though some psychologists speculated that their abrupt change of opinion is a despairing response to their important and foreboding work being ignored, a UN spokesperson insisted that was not the case.

“Fuck the environment. You don’t care so why should we? Later, losers!”