The Democratic convention opened on Monday with signs of trouble as Sanders supporters expressed their frustration, but the schedule was in fact carefully designed to let them have their moment and then bring them around.

Hillary supporters were ordered to hold back as the Bernie-ites vented, but there followed a star lineup of speakers urging them to rally around the inevitable nominee. The sign the tide had truly turned came when arch Sanders supporter Sarah Silverman was urged to string things out so Paul Simon could find his keys, and dutifully ad-libbed that the #BernieOrBust die-hards were “being ridiculous”.

This was followed up by a riveting address from Eva Longoria reminding them that their impressive capacity for vitriol and hate needed to be diverted from Hillary to Trump within the next half hour or else Michelle Obama would be pissed. Soon large groups of Bernie supporters were pledging to face reality and back Hillary, with each State delegation snapping the neck of their least enthusiastic member to demonstrate their new loyalty.

The Oregon delegation was less fortunate as it already been led out a side door with promises of pot and vegan cookies, only to be promptly machine gunned to death in a parking lot.