United Ejects CEO Oscar Munoz From Plane At 39,000 Feet To Appease Shareholders

As United Airlines stock slide following the fallout from a man being violently ejected from one of its flights and poor management of the response by CEO Oscar Munoz, the board decided yesterday that he had to go.

Fearing that simply forcing his resignation would not be enough to appease growing anger in China, which is a huge market for United, a vote was taken which opted for dumping him out of an aircraft at high altitude.

After luring Munoz onto the flight on the pretext that he would be negotiating new routes into Asia, the flight crew donned oxygen masks as the cabin was depressurized to allow the doors to be opened at 39,000 ft.

Munoz was then forcefully ejected from the plane, something the United crew were confident they could accomplish.

“But this is the last time we’ll be doing that – we promise.”

Though ejecting him over the Pacific would have been fatal, they took care to fly over an active volcano when the firing occurred to ensure the message came across clearly to shareholders.

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