United States Chooses To Abort Alabama

Saying it was no longer a viable state, the United States had decided to abort the State of Alabama in order to preserve its mother nation’s health and well being.

“It would have had a terrible quality of life if we let it live, so it’s the right decision.”

The move was defended on the basis that the state failed to demonstrate any ability to survive independently and was effectively a parasite living off the rest of the country.

“Sadly there was evidence of severe developmental abnormalities.”

In accordance with local laws the rest of the United States was forced to view footage of what life was like in Alabama before carrying out the procedure. It was also required to listen to lengthy speeches by local politicians about what a great place Alabama was.

“Despite the obvious intention to dissuade us, that only made us even more certain that terminating this state was the 100% right thing to do.

In related news the United States is looking for a foster country to raise the state of Georgia.

69 Comments on "United States Chooses To Abort Alabama"

  1. Nama never got over losing the Civil War and their history of bombing black churches and women’s clinics without getting prosecuted or convicted is typical of the same lamebrained set of ethics that led to this anti-abortion legislation, which is why the state needs to have its electoral seats revoked.

  2. At least one state is getting it right.

  3. Anyone taking this seriously is an idiot.

  4. Hell keep Alabama get rid of California thoughs people are ass holes.

  5. Not by choice | May 15, 2019 at 7:41 pm | Reply

    As a current resident of Alabama I completely understand. Do what you gotta do US. We would just drag you down further than you already are.

  6. TrumpFan 2020 | May 15, 2019 at 7:29 pm | Reply

    Fucking Democrats git out of are state!

  7. Yeah, screw Alabama lol

  8. Bout damn time. Someone had to do it

  9. wow it’s really rough seeing all of these dense people really thinking that this post is real..like jeez y’all are so fragile about your livelihood that you’ll believe everything you read at face value.

    • Yes, especially when there’s a tagline at the top stating that this is a satirical website. Given the spelling and grammar errors, guessing “satirical” is too big a word for that group.

  10. We can’t just abort Alabama without building a wall around it first

  11. Irish Guardian | May 15, 2019 at 5:35 pm | Reply

    Ok we own the number 1 major port in the U.S. so try that on for size starve freeze thurst oh and lets not forget the oil and gas comeing through and military ships being built here well to say the least is no military over seas lol well bye bye U.S and hello china to you all try that on for size beaches lol you idiots

  12. Irish Guardian | May 15, 2019 at 5:29 pm | Reply

    Ok we own the major port in the U.S. so try that on for size starve freeze thurst ih and lets not forget the oil and gas comeing through and military ships being built here well to say the least is no military over seas lol well bye bye U.S and hello china to you all try that on for size beaches lol you idiots

  13. Jared Krehling | May 15, 2019 at 5:05 pm | Reply

    I’m from Alabama and I’ve lived on the Gulf Coast for my whole life. I totally disagree with the decisions of my states Lawmakers, it’s sickening! However not everyone in this state has those beliefs I come from an area of the state that is economically prosperous, it’s its the 13th fastest growing area in the country. Even though my states lawmakers are determined to keep us in the past wiltb backwards thinking luckily there’s a majority of us that thinks otherwise. Only time will tell if things will change 🙁

  14. Richard Strubbe | May 15, 2019 at 4:51 pm | Reply

    Alabama gets $1.71 from the federal government for every dollar it pays in taxes, the seventh highest ratio in the country. Alabama is a FREELOADER STATE as are many of the other Red states. There is a very high correlation between states that vote Republican meaning many voters in those states seem to think the federal government is stealing from them whereas the opposite is true. Look it up!

  15. Far from a majority, Ann Lee! An extreme and Christian Extremist minority! (And how they could call themselves “pro-life” when they are also anti-gun control, pro-war, anti-fair living wages, pro police brutality, pro incarcerating little kids at the border, and letting them die in too many cases, is a mystery to anyone!). Also, not a shifting tide, but a shifting balance of power (temporary, the majority of us hope). Into the hands of a minority of Right Wing Americans who support such barbarity as women receiving the death penalty for miscarriages, and who consolidate their disproportionate grip on power by gerrymandering, obstructing the vote, and other anti-democratic practices. If you are getting your “facts and figures” (statistics, polls, etc.) from Faux News or someplace, please do not embarrass yourself in public by quoting them. They are complete and utter nonsense! Facts like that are only facts in places like Alabama!

    • Umm we have gun control so can you please stfu about that? We have background checks we have policies in place to make sure normal responsible adults can get guns. I love my ability to carry, and it has saved me before. I’m pro choice, pro gun, anti war, for free healthcare, and all that jazz. But guns are needed for americans so long as the knowledge to create them exist. America was founded on this right because we as americans need to be able to fight back against government tryanny. Why did America have such a had time fighting the war in the middle east? Because the average cotizen owned rifles, and were able to fight back against a government invader. Americans need guns to fight back against oppression and tyranny both foreign and domestic.

  16. Take Mississippi, Georgia, Texas , Louisiana, Arkansas and Oklahoma with you for openers please.

    • Get rid of Georgia?! Are you stupid?

    • Texas wanted to leave the United States almost 7 years ago and Obama wouldn’t let them leave. If I remember correctly they had a petition and they got enough for the President at the time (Obama) said no. And now you think Texas should go

    • Angela Boydston | May 18, 2019 at 7:22 pm | Reply

      You forgot Kentucky and Tennessee, and y’all can keep Florida.

      LET THE BIDDING BEGUN! HOW MUCH TO FORCE ALABAMA TO SECEDE?

      • Angela Boydston | May 18, 2019 at 7:32 pm | Reply

        Yes, it corrected BEGIN into BEGUN lol. I live in Alabama and I despise our government’s actions, both State AND Federal.

  17. I am actually embarrassed to be from Georgia. This is a sad time for women right now.

  18. Pfft. All the research, all the polls, and all the statistics indicate that a pro-life majority exists in this country. The pro-abortion minority better get used to more laws like this. There is a shifting tide you’re just beginning to see the tip of. If you don’t think the end of abortion, the great American holocaust, could become a reality in your lifetime, you’re fooling yourself.

  19. Why all the hubub, women have been exerting control over the bodies of others all the time. Who’s body is it when a women decides to circumcise a baby, the baby has no input into the decision at all.

    • WOMEN have been exerting control?????? What an idiotic remark. It’s usually fathers who want circumcision so son will “look like his dad.” It’s a cultural atrocity, you can’t blame that on women. And there’s a big difference between that and being forced to reproduce when you don’t want to/can’t/shouldn’t.

  20. The countries inbred population will decrease by 50%

  21. I do not regret this decision. Hopefully the country that volunteers to foster Georgia can help it learn tolerance and empathy.

  22. How about we abort Georgia instead since they seem so keen on the idea.

  23. We will incinerate democrats.

  24. Good riddance.

  25. I’m from Alabama.. and I agree… just slide us off into the ocean!!!

  26. You forgot to add a fee more states! Thanks for the deep belly laugh!

  27. Bob Bobberton | May 15, 2019 at 1:01 pm | Reply

    Thanks for that. We can’t have all those unwanted Alabamans wandering around.

  28. Works for me.

  29. John D Kruth | May 15, 2019 at 12:02 pm | Reply

    right on!

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