In response to the epidemic of school shootings, Betsy DeVos has come up with a most American solution to the problem of how to keep kids safe.

“Guns don’t kill people and people don’t kill people. Bullets kill people so that’s where we will focus.”

This was initially interpreted as an intent to severely restrict the importation and sale of ammunition, and was celebrated by gun control advocates as a clever first step, until they realized they had gotten it wrong.

“No, we’re not going to limit ammunition – the NRA would rip us a new one. Instead we are going to have students wear full body armor at all times.”

Betsy DeVos doesn’t pretend to take the credit as this wasn’t her idea, which came from founder of Blackwater, Erik Prince, who is also her sibling.

““I’d like to thank my brother Erik, Halliburton and the American firearms industry for coming up with this ingenious solution, and they’ve even offered to sell us all the armor needed.”

The armored uniforms, which are essentially scaled-down bomb disposal suits, weigh 30 lbs for preschoolers up to 120 lbs for high schoolers, and are to be worn at all times out of the home. This means the next generation of Americans will be three to five inches shorter as adults than their parents on average, and should expect to suffer joint problems much earlier.

“But at least they’ll all be alive – unless they join the Armed Forces and get killed in an ill-conceived foreign intervention.”

The suits are also hugely expensive, because of the cost of Kevlar and industry standard heavy markups, requiring a significant portion of the $1 trillion spent on education annually to be handed over to defense contractors. The money has to come from somewhere so optional subjects like the arts, languages, math and science will be cut back extensively.

“But at least our kids will be safe.”