(Cong, Ireland) The residents of Cong were shocked this week when a veteran of the 1916 Easter Rising wandered into town to inquire if combat operations were over or not. Ruairí Ó Cathasaigh was only 13 at the time but lied about his age to get in on the action.

He claims to have fought alongside Éamon de Valera, who instructed him to hide out in Connemara and await further orders when it became clear that the strategically located Boland’s bakery they were occupying was about to be overrun by forces of the British Crown. The aging rebel recently decided he’d been waiting a fierce long time and that he should take the initiative. He duly presented himself at Cong Garda station and asked to see the highest-ranking Irish Volunteers officer in the vicinity.

Ó Cathasaigh was delighted to learn that the armed rebellion he participated in one hundred years previous had led to the eventual establishment of an independent Irish Republic, and that he would no longer be required to engage in hostilities. A celebration in his honour was intended to be held later today, but someone casually remarked to him that Irish sovereignty had been squandered away anyway by the bankers and politicians who plunged the country into debt and allowed the IMF in.

Ó Cathasaigh immediately took off mumbling something about mounting a guerilla campaign. He is rumored to have established a base for himself in Wicklow, where he is believed to be planning an assault on the capital. All those responsible for the financial crisis are urged to be vigilant, as, even at the ripe age of 115, Ó Cathasaigh is understood to be an excellent shot with his Lee–Enfield Mk III rifle, and highly politically motivated.