So you’re on the hacker list of Ashley Madison users which means you’re now in deep shit because of that squalid hookup with someone who didn’t turn out to be nearly as hot as the fake profiles that tempted you in the first place. Never fear because here are five ways you can turn the situation around, maybe even to your advantage:
1) If you have a common name and there is no other identifying information, just deny that it’s you. Of course this is very dishonest, but you’re the kind of person who goes on Ashley Madison, so that’s hardly going to be a problem!
2) The list was released first on the dark web, so, if your spouse/partner knew about it super early, dig around for evidence that they are an internationally wanted violent criminal or terrorist. If they are then you can simply say “Well, I may give in to natural human urges now and then, but at least I’m not that bad”. This will almost certainly stop them from judging you, though they may kill you to protect their identity.
3) Check to see if your spouse/partner is also on the list. There are a whopping 32 million users so there’s a good chance s/he is among them. If so, then you’re both cheaters but at least you didn’t knowingly try to guilt someone else for something you did yourself, meaning you now occupy the moral high ground. And having the moral high ground is the best!
4) If you’re some kind of Pastor, say you were only on there to try to save sinners from the wickedness they were about to commit, because that’s the kind of loving man you are. The gender specific use of ‘man’ here is not a typo, because this tactic is exclusively used by self-righteous pseudo-religious male hypocrites.
5) Look in the mirror to see if you happen to be Charlie Sheen. This is not as ridiculous as it sounds, because Charlie Sheen spends much of the time strung out on any number of powerful mind altering drugs. If you are Charlie Sheen, I doubt your current spouse/partner(s) had very high expectations of you to begin with, so this revelation will likely not be a big deal.
If none of these apply to you, then, unfortunately, you’re in for a rough ride – and not the kind you were looking for on Ashley Madison. But the good news is you can probably sue them for the cost of your impending divorce.
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