Speaking on the White House lawn today, President Trump announced a massive new investment in research with $50 billion to be allocated to study new foundation blending technologies in the coming months.

“Nothing is a higher priority for my administration, other than developing a cure for windmill cancer.”

Those with novel proposals to develop better ways of eliminating tan lines are invited to apply for funding to the newly created National Institute of Artificial Enhancement (NIAE) located in Bethesda, MD. Paylines will be generous, while those of other National Institutes such as the NICHD and the NIMH will be squeezed to encourage researchers to shift focus.

“We must attract the nation’s greatest scientific minds to work on this urgent problem facing us.”

NIAE Director George Hamilton, who is blessed with a natural immunity to the devastating condition, impressed on scientists the need for them to appreciate the scale of the task ahead.

“If you’re just asking for a few hundred dollars to buy some cosmetics and a blending brush your research will surely fail. Think big, people!”

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