Trump Uses Sharpie To Make Kansas City Part Of Kansas
(Kansas City, ??) Residents of Kansas City awoke to find themselves not just Super Bowl champions but also part of a different state today. It followed the altering of the border of the State of…
February 2020
Kansas Makes History By Winning Super Bowl Despite Not Having NFL Team
In what is perhaps the greatest Super Bowl upset of all time, the State of Kansas has won the cherished Lombardi trophy despite not having a single NFL franchise. State officials said they were as…
Tom Brady And Bill Belichick Cheating At Cards Instead This Super Bowl
The answer to the question of what Tom Brady and coach Bill Belichick will be cheating at this year instead of the Super Bowl has been answered after Brady tweeted a picture of the pair…
Unconvicted Rapist Recalls How Much Kobe Bryant Inspired Him
Adding to the hagiography surrounding the late Kobe Bryant, a local man – who preferes to remain nameless – recounted today how Kobe Bryant taught him that you didn’t have to accept your dismal lot…
Exhausted Lev Parnas Emerges From Writing Binge “You can supoena my book now, Senators”
Lev Parnas emerged from a furious week-long writing binge today, in which he walled himself off from the world so he could put everything about his involvement with President Trump down in a tell-all memoir….
NFL Deploys Patriot Missile Defense System To Defend Super Bowl From Incoming Antonio Brown
With Super Bowl LIV in Miami only hours away, the NFL has released details of the security precautions it is taking to protect the game from Antonio Brown. “Given that it’s taking place in Miami…
Punxsutawney Phil Promises To Make More Detailed Forecasts In Future
(Punxsutawney, PA) Today is Groundhog Day, which is when the down-to-earth residents of Western Pennsylvania turn to a clairvoyant small mammal to find out what the weather is going to be like for the new few…
With Acquittal Assured Trump Says He May Stop Governing As Moderate
Emboldened by his certain acquittal in the Sentate, President Trump indicated today that he may cease being such a moderate going forward. “It’s time for me to be myself, and not the timid centrist President…
Trump Brings Ben Carson Out Of Storage To Decorate Cabinet For Black History Month
President Trump was unhappy today to see his Cabinet was not properly decorated for February as Ben Carson had not been brought out. But he soon accepted responsibility for the oversight. “Melania does Christmas and…
Groundhog Day Canceled After Punxsutawney Phil Relocates To Arizona
Fans of Groundhog Day are set to be disappointed this year, as the event had to be called off due to Punxsutawney Phil abruptly relocating to Arizona. “It dawned on him he didn’t have to…
Ben & Jerry’s Introduce Pittsburgh-Inspired Pierogi Ice Cream
Ben & Jerry’s have long been known for their imaginative ice cream flavors, but the latest one promises to take this to a new level. The Pittsburgh-inspired offering, called “Gastronomy Pierogi” will be nationally launched…
Russia Grants Senator Murkowski Honorary Citizenship
Citing her dedicated service to the Motherland when it counts, the Russian Federation has confered honorary citizenship upon Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska. President Vladimir Putin said it was thoroughly deserved. “I was not sure…
