Kurt Russell awake to frantic messages today pleading with him to overthrow the commandeering of Air Force One by a known terrorist. The individual in question is said to be ‘many more magnitudes more dangerous’ than his Russell’s previous nemesis in a similar situation, David Suchet. Those asking the actor to intervene say Russell knows exactly how to deal with circumstances like this, which is why he must act now. Sidekick Oliver Platt is also under pressure to join the effort, though former colleague Steven Segal has been warned to stay away this time.

“We fear he may have sympathies for this particular terrorist.”

The terrorist is believed to have taken hostages on board with him, including Senator and former-ally Lindsey Graham.

“Clearly Senator Graham didn’t go on that plane willingly given how he disavowed the terrorist last week, as that would be the height of hypocrisy.”

The terrorist in question is believed to have a large network of well-equipped cells in most if not all of the states. One theory as to why he took to the air is that he is trying to contact them in person to issue instructions after his primary means of online communication was recently severed. Government officials nationwide who do not cravenly support the terrorist are advised to keep an eye out for his acolytes lest they themselves are taken into captivity.

“These people have unlimited supplies of zip ties at their disposal, so abduction attempts are to be expected.”

At last word, Russell had acknowledged the gravity of the situation and was making last minute preparations to bring the crisis to an end.

“He just needs to find a tuxedo that fits perfectly and he’ll be good to go.”

WE DEPEND ON YOU TO KEEP GOING!