Easter Bunny Confirms Rumors That Marlon Bundo Is Gay
The Easter Bunny has weighed in on the pressing matter of Marlon Bundo’s sexuality, saying he can confirm that the Pence family pet is gay. “Maybe not gay exactly but definitely bi, which I can…
Sex
“I Need To Be Free To Talk To A Therapist About Seeing Trump Naked” Says Stormy Daniels
As she continues to seek a way out of the hush agreement constraining her, Stormy Daniels explained today that her wish to be legally allowed to discuss her involvement with President Trump is not motivated…
Handwriting Experts Back Stormy Daniels “A Tiny Hand Did Not Sign This Contract”
The adult actress Stormy Daniels, aka Stephanie Clifford, is suing President Trump on the basis that a contract designed to silence her about their relationship was not signed by him. She alleges this renders ‘null-and-void’…
Michael Cohen Apologizes To Melania 130,000 Times For No Particular Reason
Trump lawyer Michael Cohen went on record today about reports that he has issued 130,000 apologies to First Lady Melania Trump over the past few weeks. “It was standard stuff like ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘My…
Trump Orders Pentagon To Plan Biggest Penile Compensation In U.S. History
President Trump has reportedly instructed his military chiefs to organize the biggest penile compensation ever held in the United States to take place in Washington, DC, this Veterans Day. Though other countries like Russia and…
North Carolina Warns Canadian National Anthem Not To Pee In Its Bathrooms
After learning it had altered itself to become gender neutral, North Carolina has warned the Canadian national anthem ‘O Canada’ not to avail itself of bathroom facilities anywhere in the state. “We won’t tolerate none…
Larry Nassar Thrown Surprise Welcome Party On First Day Of Sentence
As he started his sentence of 40 to 175 years, convicted sex offender Larry Nassar got a touching surprise today, as fellow inmates Jared Fogle and Jerry Sanduski threw a surprise welcome party for their…
Stormy Daniels Granted Official Status As First Pornstar
Adult actress Stormy Daniels is now to be officially known as First Pornstar, after a pro forma procedural vote was taken in both Houses of Congress today. The title is a result of the invocation…
Mike Pence Confined To DC Alleyway By High Density Of Women In Town For March
Vice President Mike Pence apologized for not being able to perform his duties today after the presence of thousands of protesting women in downtown Washington DC, combined with his strict refusal to ever be alone…
Porn Industry Worried Association With White House May Tarnish Its Image
(San Fernando Valley, CA) Following further revelations about President’s Trump’s alleged affair with adult actress Stephanie Clifford, aka Stormy Daniels, the adult film business is worried that being associated with this White House could affect…
Roy Moore Postpones Interview With 12-Year-Old Girl For Two Years
(Birmingham, AL) In an unusual twist in the Alabama Senate race, a pro-Trump super PAC arranged for a 12-year-old girl to interview controversial candidate Roy Moore. The tweenage reporter, who was a hit at the…
Roy Moore Disgusted To Learn How Old Capitol Hill Interns Are
Aspiring US Senate candidate for Alabama Roy Moore was said to be hugely disappointed today after learning how old the interns who work there over the summer are. “Some of them look like they are…
Al Franken Resigns With Seat To Be Filled By Political Newcomer Stuart Smalley
Facing intense pressure from his fellow senators, Al Franken has resigned his seat as the junior Senator from Minnesota following a number of allegations that he had acted inappropriately towards women. Franken said this has…
Harvey Weinstein Kicking Himself For Not Getting Into Republican Politics
Disgraced Hollywood mogul expressed regret today over how he has led his life, saying he is plagued with remorse over not handling things differently. “Why oh why didn’t I jump into Republican politics when I…
Republicans Draw The Line At Endorsing Sexual Predators Who Don’t Floss
Amid accusations that they will stoop to nothing to win, including endorsing accused sexual predator Roy Moore, senior Republicans came out today to say there most definitely is a line of decency they would not…
Matt Lauer’s Penis Wondering Why It Doesn’t Get To Go Out Anymore
Fired Today Show host Matt Lauer says he is ‘soul searching’ following his dramatic fall from grace, and is also trying to find the resolve to undertake the difficult task of explaining to his penis…
Roy Moore Pledges To Only Hit On 15-Year-Olds If Elected
(Montgomery, AL) In what some of his supporters are describing as caving in to political correctness, US Senate Candidate Roy Moore today pledged to only hit on 15-year-olds if elected. Moore said the change was…
God Issues Ten New Commandments Including Five Directed At Roy Moore
Insisting that the Christian Right were getting it all wrong, God today issued more commandments in an effort to get the people who claim to be his most vociferous devotees on the proper path. In…
Roy Moore Justifies Pro-Life Stance “That Fetus Could Be My Lover In 14 Years”
Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore took time today to explain his opposition to abortion, which he says is very personal to him. “I’m in my early seventies so the fetus you want to abort could…
Nation Tries To Feign Surprise That Steven Seagal’s Accused Of Exposing Himself
An already anxious public wondering who would be next in the #MeToo saga enveloping Hollywood today learned the terrible truth that Portia de Rossi says acting legend Seven Seagal sat her down and unzipped his…
