(Atlanta, GA) Following their narrow but conclusive defeats by their Democratic challengers, Republican Senators for Georgia Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue today formally initiated the process of contesting the results by researching local landscaping companies with sizable parking lots in run-down areas of the city. A spokesperson for the Loeffler campaign said the losing Senator was in full battle mode after having the seat stolen from her through underhand measures like state residents casting valid votes for someone on the ballot who is less unpleasant.
“Senator Loeffler is prepared to take the fight to as many vacant lots next to adult bookstores near Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport as is necessary to secure ultimate victory.”
Meanwhile Senator Perdue plans to hold hearings at an area all-you-can-eat buffet where he will present damning affidavits, including eyewitness testimony from voter-fraud expert Melissa Corone. Unlike in Michigan where Corone was at least involved in the electoral process, she is not believed to have had any role whatsoever in the Georgia run-off elections. Corone however insists that is not an impediment to her voter-fraud detection capabilities.
“I will be there to testify about claims of grotesque voting impropriety and malfeasance that I read about first-hand on the internet.”
Loeffler and Perdue will also ask Vice-President Mike Pence to simply install them as the duly elected Senators from Georgia, on the basis that if he doesn’t he’s a yellow-bellied sniveling coward. Rudy Giuliani has even weighed on the non-controversy, saying he has no doubt there was gross manipulation of the electoral outcome.
“I’d stake my esteemed reputation as the person with his hands down his pants in that Borat movie on it.”