‘Genius’ Owner Figures Out How To Save Struggling Newspaper

(Pittsburgh, PA) The owner of a local major print newspaper is being hailed as nothing short of a genius by employees and the readership after coming up with an inventive way to scoop all other news outlets in this crowded digital age.

“If we *are* the news, then we’ll always have the scoop!”

His sublime insight is to make the news happen in the newsroom, so his reporters will be able to type it up and get it to the printing presses as fast as possible.

“Best of all, the stories are great: high emotions, danger, children – they have it all!”

The paper is still adjusting to the new strategy, which is described as more juicy than what editors are used to.

“I know some people will dismiss it as tabloid trash, but the truth is that’s what people want.”

A spokesperson for the newspaper guild said it was definitely an exciting time to be in the industry in Pittsburgh.

“We can’t wait to see what explosive story he comes up with next!”

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