As he seeks to position himself for his own run at the Oval Office, former Vice President Mike Pence has confided to aides that initial efforts to carve out a support base from the religious right wing of the GOP are failing and that the only space left to him is left of Joe Biden.”
“Unfortunately former President Trump appears to have a lock on my natural constituency of evangelical bigots who hate anyone not exactly like themselves.”
Therefore Pence says he will instead be embracing a number of uber-progressive positions in order to have some chance at the Presidency.
“To Bernie Sanders I respectfully suggest breaking up the banks is not enough. We need to string up some CEOs too and confiscate their ill gotten gains. As for a minimum wage of $15 an hour I say double – no – TRIPLE that! Hell let’s just round it up to $50 an hour!”
He wishes everyone to know his pronouns will be they/them going forward. Pence also says they support a no-questions-asked fully-funded universal healthcare for all Americans, even those here illegally.
“With free abortions too for anyone that needs one. No judgement here!”
They also promise to be the most LGBTQIA+ friendly candidate in history.
“Just forget everything I’ve done and said for the past four decades!”