(New York City, NY) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that the Pittsburgh Steelers were to be put down following Sunday’s loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Goodell explained that it was ultimately his responsibility to decide when a football team was experiencing so much suffering and hardship that it should not be allowed to go on for ethical reasons. After a heartfelt discussion with the Rooney family who own the team, all agreed it was time.
“This NFL franchise has lived a good long life with lots of cherished victories, but keeping it alive any longer would be cruel.”
The Steelers will reportedly be allowed one last training stint on the field, before being taken around the back and humanely put to sleep underneath Route 65.
“Their last memory will be a happy one thinking they are having a real football practice, when really they’ll just stumble around aimlessly dropping passes and messing up plays like they’ve been doing for some time now.”
Though there was no question that QB Ben Roethlisberger was overdue for being put out to pasture, there were initial hopes that newly-signed running back Najee Harris could be resettled in a new home. Unfortunately his three games with the Steelers have rendered that plan unviable.
“They overused him to such an extent that he’s aged decades overnight and frankly the kindest thing to do now is let him be signed as a free agent by that giant NFL franchise up in the sky.”
RIP Pittsburgh Steelers 1933-2021.