BREAKING: President Trump broke from dinner moments ago to make a public statement after being informed that protestors in Durham, North Carolina, had toppled a Confederate statue early this evening.
“Mere hours ago, a tragedy took place in Durham that I hoped I would never see during my time steering this mighty but imperfect ship called the United States…”
Trump gave a brief history of the former statue of a Confederate soldier that was erected in 1924, before leading those present in a moment’s silent reflection on its passing.
“This statue was cut down in its prime and could have stood for another hundred years…”
After pausing to blow his nose, the President continued…
“I implore us all to come together and put this violence behind us, so that no more fine statues end up paying the ultimate price.”
He then left promising to see that not just those responsible, but all people who expressed hate towards statues, were brought to justice.