General Michael Thomas Flynn – who was briefly National Security Advisor under President Trump but who ultimately answers to his true Commander in Chief, Vladimir Putin – has been transferred to a frontline role commanding troops attempting hold their positions northeast of Kyiv. The campaign to take the capital city has stalled with a high loss of life amongst senior Russian commanders, including six generals and counting.

Flynn, though visibly not happy at the prospect of being transferred to a battlefield where Russian generals are falling like flies, is ultimately bound by his oath of allegiance to the Motherland. Putin confirmed his transfer in a brief call to Flynn.

“Good luck – you’ll need it!”

Indeed the losses are so great that Putin is considering transferring his US-based underlings currently working in non-military roles to also engage in dangerous combat roles.

“I am not sure General ‘Moscow Mitch’ McDonnell and Colonel Tucker McNear Carlson will last long at the front, but everyone – my critics included – are very keen on the idea!”