News that restaurant behemoth Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse has returned $20 million to the Government’s emergency Paycheck Protection program for small businesses – following a furor on social media – was met with concern by senior Republicans today, who openly voiced their fears about where this could lead.

“If multi-million dollar corporations and publically listed companies keep returning these loans under pressure from the public the money could eventually make its way to the Mom & Pop businesses that need it.”

They say the thought that the small business loan program they voted for may end up helping small businesses and their employees made them sick to their stomachs.

“Obviously we only called it that to get it passed as the Publically-Traded Multi-National Corporations Handout Bill doesn’t sound as good.”

Instead of providing taxpayer-funded interest-free loans for their donors to engage in stock buybacks, Republicans say the money may now be used to pay workers.

“Exactly how we said it would be used in other words. Excuse me while I throw up.”

This isn’t the first time Republican lawmakers have been driven to despair during the coronavirus pandemic, though on one other occasion at least there was a silver lining according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“It’s almost as bad as when I learned about the one-off $1200 stimulus checks being given to the masses, until I was reassured that 43,000 very wealthly friends were getting an effective $1.6 million stimulus payout on average as well.”

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