Following its adoption of a face covering mandate to help control the spread of the Coronavirus, leading retailer Walmart is said to be seriously considering extending the mandate to cover other parts of the body frequently left uncovered by customers. The company said the issue came up when, during a crisis meeting about COVID-19, someone asked if there was anything else it would be nice to have covered besides people’s mouths and noses.

“Butt cheeks and ass cracks topped the list.”

Like with the mandatory face coverings, customers would be free to cover their ass cracks using whatever is convenient, such as multiple paper masks tapes together or a carefully tied bandana or scarf.

“Or, you know, clothes.”

Those who refuse to follow the mandate will be asked to remain with their bare ass crack outside while an associate shops for them.

“We only ask that you wait patiently with your back to the wall.”

HELP KEEP THE SATIRE COMING!